Re: Stalker problems

[Prajnaparamita]

Just got back from the court. It was denied, for the exact reasons I told you guys it wouldn't count--as he's not made any threats to my physical safety, it doesn't count as harassment.

[Wondering]

Ugh. I'm so sorry, Prajna.

It really angers me that so many places don't have no-contact orders that stop harassment even that is not threatening. Harassment and threats are two different things and the court should recognize that. This IS harassment.

[Enail]

Oh man, I'm so sorry. And also angry. How are you holding up?

[Werel]

Ugh, yes, sorry and angry. That's fucking ridiculous. Anything we can do?

[Prajnaparamita]

I can't lie guys, I'm actually a total wreck right now. I feel like bawling my eyes out but that's what I've been doing all day and I don't know if I have any tears left. Going to court and being ridiculed by the judge was absolutely humiliating, and I feel like an absolute nothing right now. And to be honest, I know this isn't you guy's fault, but I'm kinda annoyed that so many people told me I had to do this even though I didn't have a case at all under the law, and basically caused me to spend my day being humiliated and torn down while getting nothing in return. I feel completely torn up now and hopeless--basically all I can do is wait around while he continues to do this, waiting until he starts giving me death threats or whatever.

But some distraction right now would be appreciated, I guess. Something else to occupy my mind with...

[Enail]

I'm sorry I gave you false hope. From what I understood from what I read, you should have clearly qualified under the "harassment" criteria and the stuff you said about physical safety was only for the "stalking" criteria, and I'm pretty confused why that didn't make a case. But I'm very sorry that you went through all that humiliation and hostility and frustration for nothing. It's disgusting that the police and legal system is not only not helping but treating you this way.

Some ideas for distraction:
Yotsuba is a gentle manga about a strange little girl in Japan.
Grow Cube is a puzzle game where you add elements to produce an effect in a cube landscape, and based on what they do, you have to figure out the right order to add the elements. It's a little thinky and a little intuitive.
Little Alchemy is a puzzle game where you start with the traditional four elements and combine them to make new "elements" based on science or metaphorical connections, and try to invent the whole world.

If you're an animal videos person, some of my recent faves:
A boxer's reaction to a commercial about a boxer with a trampoline.
A kitten trying really hard to give a high five
Another kitten, this one trying to copy its mom grooming herself

[Guest]

Aw shit, I'm so sorry to hear Prajna. That's fucking horrible.  I wish there was more we could do for you. Your golden retriever pup is here for ya if you need him.

[Prajnaparamita]

I'm sorry I gave you false hope.

Awww Enail I'm sorry for wording that so harshly, I understand the impulse to encourage someone to action, of any kind, when they're in a crisis and unsure of what to do. Its not your fault the law is stupid and perhaps inconsistent. Thank you so much for your help and support so far, it means the world to me.

Little Alchemy is a puzzle game where you start with the traditional four elements and combine them to make new "elements" based on science or metaphorical connections, and try to invent the whole world.

So one of the very first things I created (like, first ten), before plants or animals or life of any kind was an atomic bomb. Forgive me my children, for I am a cruel and terrible god.

[reboot]

Damnit all to hell, Pranja. That is totally fucked up and I want to punch someone on your behalf. I want to give more support and distraction, but honestly I am too pissed off right now. Fuck out society that considers his behavior OK

[Enail]

I'm sorry I gave you false hope.

Awww Enail I'm sorry for wording that so harshly, I understand the impulse to encourage someone to action, of any kind, when they're in a crisis and unsure of what to do. Its not your fault the law is stupid and perhaps inconsistent. Thank you so much for your help and support so far, it means the world to me.

No, no, I didn't take it as an attack, don't worry, I totally understand being frustrated with being pushed to something that landed up just wearing you out.

Little Alchemy is a puzzle game where you start with the traditional four elements and combine them to make new "elements" based on science or metaphorical connections, and try to invent the whole world.

So one of the very first things I created (like, first ten), before plants or animals or life of any kind was an atomic bomb. Forgive me my children, for I am a cruel and terrible god.

[Wondering]

I hope you're doing as well as can be, Prajna. When/if you feel ready, please check in and let us know.


(Oh, that Alchemy game. I played that on my phone about three years ago or so. I remember ultimately getting frustrated because I never knew whether I had uncovered all the things an item could make and could quit pursuing it or whether there were still more to make. Also, I remember getting annoyed at things that didn't work that totally should. Like, why don't Meat and Pig make Bacon? )

[Prajnaparamita]

Honestly I've been doing really poorly, but given this forum's (entirely reasonable) rules about talking about suicide, I didn't think this would be an appropriate place to talk about it. Plus I didn't want to worry you guys--you've done so much for me already and I care about all of you a ton. I have coping mechanisms that I've learned to ride it out when the thoughts get too intense, and people in my life who I can turn to if I need support. I'm going to be okay, even if right now it feels all like too much for me to deal with anymore.

[Enail]

I'm glad you've got strategies to get through it and stay safe. We're rooting for you.

[reboot]

Internet hugs, Prajnaparamita, if you want them. Good to hear that you have coping tools and a good support network. Consider us members of virtual "Team You"

[Prajnaparamita]

Good news: changing my number bought me three months of peace and quiet and a feeling that this part of my life is gone for good and I can wash my hands of this man, even to the point that two days ago I was about to give away my pepper spray to a female friend who has unfortunately attracted a creepy dude of her own.

Bad news: As of yesterday, my stalker is back.

[Enail]

Oh no, Prajna, I'm so sorry, I was really hoping things had settled down by now for good.

[Prajnaparamita]

Yeah and here's the sucky thing about it--he found me through the activism in my community that I've been doing. Fortunately one of my fellow activists is a family friend and sees me almost like another daughter and she has gone all out in making sure I'm protected, walking me from venues to the car, and watching to make sure I get home safe, and organizing a security team to turn this dude away if he shows up at meetings or events. The only problem is that she's been really pushing me to go back to the cops, and I absolutely am not willing to--beyond his stalking not meeting the legal requirements in my state, I fully believe now that the cops and the courts do not give a damn about the safety of women. I hope she is willing to respect that at least.

Also I can't use facebook or Meetup for organizing activism anymore, or any site where my location would be broadcasted, nor can I do publicity for the group I'm volunteering with because my name can't be on anything anymore. Some have been suggesting that I start using a fake name, but shit if I can't use my real name and identity doing local activism in my town, where the hell can I?!

Guys, what do you do when someone hurts you and you're unable to get out of your head fantasies of revenge? I keep on thinking of every time he would tell me that he was going to kill himself, trying to get me back and I wish now I had been like "yes please, kill yourself. End your miserable life for me. Actually, do it where I can watch, so I can have that satisfaction for myself." Where I am, egging someone on to suicide is considered a criminal act (as I well think it should be) and I also do crisis work, talking to the very suicidal and vulnerable, and I'm planning on getting my masters so I can do this as my career, what does it mean that I also want to push this mentally unstable man to the point of snapping? I just don't even know...

[Enail]

Oh, jeez, that's so shitty! Glad you've got someone watching out for you at least.

I think it's pretty normal and understandable to feel that level of hatred and rage for someone who's hounding you, terrifying you, preventing you from being able to have peace of mind in even the most ordinary parts of your life, ruining your ability to safely enjoy things like activism or using Facebook, who you know could be a real danger to you and who is using that threat to force you to give him space inside your own mind. No matter how much care for vulnerable and mentally unstable people you have or choose to take on, it doesn't mean everyone should get those things from you, especially not inside the private space of your own head. He tried to use your kindness and caring against you, he is actively doing you serious harm right now, it's 0% your job to wish him well or feel sympathy or hope for his well-being. It's your job to protect yourself and look after yourself in an awful situation, and anger and revenge fantasies can absolutely be emotional self-protection. I don't think it means anything about your beliefs or the value and sincerity of your crisis work.

That said, revenge fantasies can be a way of venting feelings or it can be something that sucks you in and adds to the inescapable feeling of being stalked, so whether it's something to indulge in or try to distract from/otherwise move away from probably depends on what it's doing for you.

[Wondering]

what does it mean that I also want to push this mentally unstable man to the point of snapping? I just don't even know...

It means he is controlling your life and preventing you from living it in a world where women's voices are not respected and

the cops and the courts do not give a damn about the safety of women

I'm sorry, Prajna. I wish I had advice to give. Hugs and support if you want them.

[BasedBuzzed]

Y
Guys, what do you do when someone hurts you and you're unable to get out of your head fantasies of revenge? I keep on thinking of every time he would tell me that he was going to kill himself, trying to get me back and I wish now I had been like "yes please, kill yourself. End your miserable life for me. Actually, do it where I can watch, so I can have that satisfaction for myself." Where I am, egging someone on to suicide is considered a criminal act (as I well think it should be) and I also do crisis work, talking to the very suicidal and vulnerable, and I'm planning on getting my masters so I can do this as my career, what does it mean that I also want to push this mentally unstable man to the point of snapping? I just don't even know...

Feelings are not actions. I assume every crisis worker is problematic in some way (thinks some clients are whiny, uses punching-down humour in private as a coping mechanism, etc., etc.), but that almost everyone manages to have the professionalism to not let it affect their work too much. And in case it does, there are probably more resources in place than in other professions to help you cope when overwhelmed. Plus, if circumstances of a client remind you too much of the places your intrusive thoughts go, I assume you can defer them to co-workers, right?

[Prajnaparamita]

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate your kind wishes and reassurance. And yes BB, I can transfer out convos that I find triggering, and my supervisors are very understanding of that. (Its funny, as a result of this I've gotten very, very good at convos with women fleeing abusive situations as their mix of hatred and commitment psychologically with their abusers). I guess... I've started to notice something, or rather I've noticed it for awhile but I only recently started realizing how extreme its gotten, and that's the fact that I've come to see his face everywhere. I've only actually seen him in passing twice since I changed phone numbers, and that contact via my meetup account (which I ended up totally deleting so I couldn't get any more messages, he was starting to do that thing where he flooded me with guilt trips, apologies and lashing out, over and over again, and I feel kinda bad about running and hiding but I was in a panic at the time), but I feel like I think I see him multiple times a day every single time I go outside. It might be the person's brown eyes or thick hair or slouching gait or loose coat or baggy pants but I keep on scanning crowds and strangers and swearing that I see him, again and again and again. I'm constantly staring, trying to figure out if its him and its not it never is but I feel like I have these mini moments of panic maybe 10, 15 times a day when I think I've seen him again. And don't even get me started on crowds, they freak me out because of course I think I keep on seeing him and I have to check again and again. I wouldn't be making such a big deal of this, but this isn't recent, I did this for all of the three months but as of recent when he messaged me its gotten a lot more intense and I'm starting to get really concerned.

...Guys, do I have PTSD? I know, psychology student syndrome, you diagnose yourself with everything because you're constantly hearing about it, but the constantly scanning crowds, seeing his face everywhere, it just kinda matches up with what I've heard about the condition. I dunno man. Don't even get me started on how I lose it when an unknown number calls.

[Enail]

I don't know about PTSD, but when I had a (clearly non-dangerous) stalker for a few months in middle school, I did the exact same thing. What you're having does sound really intense, though. Is there a professional-type person you can check in with?

[Sponsored content]