Rejected after coming so far.

[Dannyboy]

I've been dating this girl over the past month, I really like her and we have so much in common. We both work at the local library district as assistants, we both went to the same high school and had many of the same teachers (though, we never met before this the end of last month), we both like Bioware games, and we both have liberal/socialist political views. We went a lot of place, we kissed a lot of times. Then I decided to invite her over, at first she just didn't respond. Then she said "You know, I had a lot of fun with you, but I'm looking for something else, I'm sorry". I fucked it up, I was too needy, too boring, something, I don't know exactly what. If I can't create a relationship with someone so similar to me, I don't think I'll ever have a relationship with anyone. I'm chubby, socially-inept, inexperienced, no one wants to deal with me.

I wish I could escape, I wish so much I could be someone else, not have to deal with all this. I wish I could go into the mountains and live alone and never, ever have to deal with rejection ever again.

I wish I knew what I did wrong, I wish I had some inkling as when things turned sour. Everything seemed great after Sunday night, we kissed, she sent me a text saying she had a good time... I don't know what I did wrong, I wish I could go back in time and change what I said or what I did or least change things up so that I never met her to begin with.

[Enail]

You don't have to have done something wrong. You don't have to be something wrong. You had a good time with someone for a time, and then it turned out she didn't want to keep it going. It sucks, it's disappointing, it hurts, and I'm sorry it happened to you, but it's a thing that happens to interesting, non-needy, likeable, attractive people all the time. It doesn't mean something bigger than 'it didn't work out.' It doesn't mean you can't have a relationship with someone else, that you don't have possibilities for the future - and similarities aren't a guarantee and differences don't have to be obstacles.

Look after yourself while you're grieving this relationship. It's okay to be hurting, be kind, ride it out, and try not to beat yourself up or to take it as too much about the future.

[Werel]

Oh man, Dannyboy, I'm really sorry things didn't work out with her. It sounds like you're way deep in immediate post-breakup misery right now, and that's okay-- it hurts when somebody you're excited about says nah, and you should give yourself a little time to grieve the relationship.

But like Enail said, in all likelihood, it's nothing you did wrong; she just wasn't feeling it, for whatever reason. It doesn't sound like there was some specific incident that went badly, just things fizzling out. Try not to beat yourself up over it, or take it as a referendum on your worth as a person. There'll be a next time and a next person. Take good care of yourself till the hurt lifts a little.

[Dannyboy]

Thank you both for trying to make me feel better.

I feel like meeting this woman was like the spirit of the world giving me one last chance , “ this girl has everything in common with you Daniel, if you can’t get her to love you then you’re doomed to a life of lonlieness”. And I messed it up, my one chance.

Now that I’ve been thinking about it, maybe she only went out with me since I took her to fun places like museums and tea houses. She always e paid for herself, but she needed my car to get to most of these places. Maybe the long walks afterwards, the times we’d stop at a cafe after a date “just to talk more” was something she just did out of pity or obligation. Maybe when she told me she wanted to kiss me after our second date, maybe she did that out of guilt, maybe she knew that I really wanted to kiss her and she just went along. I’m such a fool, I should’ve seen the signs.

I can’t even think how I would woo another girl, what do I have that anyone else might find attractive.

[Enail]

That's a pretty shitty thing to think about someone you liked and had a month of good times with! I don't think you have reason to assume bad faith here, sometimes it takes people a little time to figure out if something they're enjoying is working for them in a way that can last. Your insecurity's talking here, don't let it become something that spills over into how you view other people - that's one reason why it can be tricky to treat others kindly when you're not feeling great about yourself, so try to keep aware of that even while you're hurting and questioning yourself.

And the things you mentioned sounded like some nice points of commonality to gt started on, but they don't sound like rare, critical things that made her the only woman you could connect with. Having the same job as someone is a conversation-starter, not something that's going to play a big role in your connection (unless you're talking about a job that has very particular demands that someone with similar demands might understand better, which I very much doubt librarianship is). Same with going to the same school. And there are a gazillion women with liberal/socialist views who like Bioware games. She wasn't your one chance, your commonalities didn't make her uniquely able to love you. You're going to have other chances just as good.

And try to remember, too, that you must have done some things pretty right to get to this point in the first place.

[Werel]

That's a pretty shitty thing to think about someone you liked and had a month of good times with! I don't think you have reason to assume bad faith here, sometimes it takes people a little time to figure out if something they're enjoying is working for them in a way that can last. Your insecurity's talking here, don't let it become something that spills over into how you view other people - that's one reason why it can be tricky to treat others kindly when you're not feeling great about yourself, so try to keep aware of that even while you're hurting and questioning yourself.

Undersigning this in bold red ink and circling it twenty times. Your jerkbrain is making some real damning assumptions that almost certainly are not factual. Occam's Razor says that she went out with you because it was fun, she spent extra time talking to you because she enjoyed it, and she kissed you because she liked you and wanted to kiss you. Very implausible that it was all part of some kind of nefarious scheme to fuck with you or that she spent a whole month doing pity hangouts.

And yeah, like Enail said, don't forget that dating somebody for a month means you have good points that made them interested in you! Even if it didn't end up being a long-term forever thing, it's a clear sign that you are appealing to some people as a potential romantic partner-- that hasn't changed. You've still got all the good points that drew her to you at first. Try to remind yourself of that when your misery-jerkbrain tries to tell the lie that you're worthless and will be alone forever now.

[Dannyboy]

I know, I just wish I knew what happened to make this relationship end so abruptly, up until Thursday evening everything seemed to be going so well, I thought she really liked me.

Anyway, now I'm just trying to find something else to fill my time and make me forget about everything. I exercised today for the first time in about a month, so that felt good. I'm looking at meetups, though I haven't really found anything interesting that meets when I'm not at work. I've thought about trying to get back into writing or guitar or photography, though I'm worried about becoming depressed because I'm still a novice and I have a long way to go to be any good at any of those things. Also, I've gone back to OkCupid, seeing if I can find anyone interesting or anyone who's interested in me.

[Dannyboy]

So, I know I shouldn't have done this, but I couldn't stop reliving everything so I asked the girl on Facebook why she was no longer interested, this is what she had to say:

"It really is just that I'm a fickle person. What makes me happy one day doesn't interest me at all the next. I was starting to lose interest, and I wanted to let you know right away so I didn't lead you on. It wasn't you or anything you did, it's just what happens when I go out with people. Really, you were fine. You're funny, and super nice, but I'm...flighty. It's why I don't usually have romantic relationships"

Do you think she's being honest with me, or is she just trying to save my feelings? How should I take this?

I wish I was stronger, but I still feel torn up about this, even now days later. I ended up closing my OkCupid account because I wasn't getting any new connections that went anywhere and some people on Reddit told me that my pictures were awful and that I was boring for mentioning video games and music "because every guy likes those". I've tried finding meetup groups to go to, to maybe increase the chance of meeting girls and/or friends, but so little of the meetups involve people in my age-range and so few meetups take place on days I don't work.

I feel so hopeless, despite the fact I keep telling myself I'll have another chance at a relationship I can't make myself believe it.

[Werel]

Nope, shouldn't have done that. Never a good idea to pursue the "why did you break up with me" impulses.

But since you did, and you won't do it again (right?), I think her answer sounds pretty honest. People just lose interest sometimes. Plus, even if it's not, what difference does it make? You can't ever know for sure whether someone's trying to spare your feelings, so you'll save yourself a lot of hair-tearing by just accepting their answers at face value.

I feel so hopeless, despite the fact I keep telling myself I'll have another chance at a relationship I can't make myself believe it.

Sorry you're still hurting about it. It takes time to get over a breakup, and can make your jerkbrain go into overdrive, so try to remember that feeling hopeless doesn't mean it is hopeless. And it's totally okay to take a break from dating when you're feeling particularly low! Give yourself some space to build your strength back up.

[Dannyboy]

I guess I just wonder if I have the traits necessary to attract other women. I still don't have a full time job since I'm working on grad school, I still don't have any close friends, I still wonder if I'm too fat and/or baby faced to be attractive. I wish I could stop thinking about this. I wish I could stop thinking about her, about how funny she was, about our long conversations, about how nice it felt to kiss her. I don't know what to do with myself.

[Enail]

You've had dates, you've had people be interested in you, you've had someone enjoy kissing you, I don't think there's any reason to think you can't be attractive. And I don't think there's any reason to doubt her honesty about the breakup (though I very much second Werel that it's not a great idea to pursue that line of inquiry in the future). It seems like you're just looking for reasons to doubt yourself and other people.

[Dannyboy]

All right, an update here. I'm doing a lot better now, I'm feeling okay and I don't think about her nearly as much as I did before. I am ashamed that I went and contacted her after she broke up ties, especially after telling my mother and getting (rightly) yelled at for it.

I apologize for all of my whining here, I suppose I just let myself get attached to this girl to easily and too soon. Anyway, right now I'm trying to reorganize my life to make myself more attractive. I'm thinking of going back to iphonography and I'm planning on taking trips to some ghost towns to entertain myself and get more pictures. I'm going back and getting involved in young adult meetups to see if I can make some friends and I'm also trying to work out and eat better to get in shape.

Hopefully I'll find someone else eventually.

[Werel]

Hey, nice! Glad you're feeling better and making time to do fun shit for yourself (ghost town photography sounds like a ton of fun). Keep that forward momentum going, and you will come out of this experience cooler and tougher and ready for the next interesting person you meet.

[jcorozza]

Also, holy mozzarella sticks, don't ask people on reddit for feedback on dating profile stuff, especially pictures. Some people on reddit are nasty just to be nasty. Your pics are fine, but those people will absolutely prey on your jerkbrain!

[Dannyboy]

Also, holy mozzarella sticks, don't ask people on reddit for feedback on dating profile stuff, especially pictures.  Some people on reddit are nasty just to be nasty.  Your pics are fine, but those people will absolutely prey on your jerkbrain!

Well, these were the photos I was using:



Plus one I can't find right now. I look really ugly and unkempt in all these pictures, and I seriously need to lose weight, plus my skin is all washed out. Sadly, I don't really have any pictures that make me look flattering.

[jcorozza]

The first two seem fine to me? You're not looking straight at the camera so they're not boring posed shots or a selfies that makes if look like you all you do is hang by yourself in the bathroom. Plus they show you engaged in an activity you seem to be enjoying. The third is not the best, though - that one does look a tad washed out, plus the facial hair in the others seems to give your face better definition.

[Dannyboy]

Well, thanks, Jcorozza. Maybe I should regrow my beard again.

[Enail]

I'm not usually a fan of beards, but I think it suits you quite well!

[jcorozza]

Agreed. Not normally on Team Beard, but a close-cropped one seems to work well for you.

[Dannyboy]

So, a little bit of an update. I had quit OLD as I said, but last Sunday I got message from a dating app (Coffee Meets Bagel) that someone liked me, so I was curious and logged back in. I met this girl on there and after a few messages back and forth I asked her out to the British Tea place I took the last girl (yeah, I know, I'm extremely boring, lol ). Anyway, did that today, went on a little walk with her afterwards, and I asked if she'd like to go to a museum in Denver next week, she said yes but it would have to be a week after because she has softball (she's still in college and is part of the team they have). She mentioned meeting next Saturday for coffee but unfortunately I work. Anyway, after that I tried to ask her without "asking" her if she was interested in kissing (I know, I'm supposed to just go for it, but that feels weird to me) and she said "sometimes you just have to go for it" and then we kissed.

So right now I'm feeling a whole lot of emotions, my nerves are all out of whack after kissing her. I'm worried that I'm falling for her too quickly, especially since I don't know for sure yet if she's actually interested or if she was just being polite (or if she's going to go back to her dorm and have second thoughts). I'm trying to control myself and my expectations, I don't want a repeat of what happened when that other girl rejected me and I was basically emotionally out of commission for a whole week or more. Any advice on how to deal with this? Are these kinds of feelings after first date/kiss with someone normal?

[Enail]

Try and remember that you don't really know her. At this point, all you know is that you like her well enough to have a second date; anything else is just projection, imagination, something that has nothing to do with that particular person.

It seems like you're really eager to be in love, so your emotions rush right into it before your connection with the other person is established enough to warrant it. Sometimes when people are really focused on falling in love or feel inclined to move really quickly with new people, there's something else they're looking to distract themselves from in their lives or in their feelings. So maybe it'd be a good idea to some extra attention to the other parts of your life, see if there's an area you're not as happy with as you might be and work on that, give some thought if there are any sore spots going on internally that you might be hoping to patch with the external application of romance but that might actually need an internal solution/support?

[jcorozza]

I second pretty much everything Enail said above. Something to think about - have you been on any first dates where *you* didn't want a second one, or weren't really sure if you were that interested? I've definitely noticed that the sooner after a breakup/promising connection I go another first date, the more likely I am to want to see them again. Sometimes that might be because they are generally compatible. But others, I've realized afterwards that...I don't even like them that much, I just wanted to feel that sense of connection again. And this was worse when my social life wasn't that great. It's good to get your life to a place where, if, in a few dates, she decides that she's not into it, you'll be disappointed, but okay.

[Dannyboy]

I suppose... it could have something to do with my lack of social life. I don't know, I spent the majority of my life thinking that I couldn't get a date if I tried, that something was terribly wrong with me (either my weight, my personality, my interests, etc.)At same time, I always believed, back when I was in high school, that college was when I was going to come out of my shell, have friends, have a girlfriend. I also believed that I'd have written a book or formed a band. When that didn't happen, when I spent college pretty much alone, constantly anxious about school and almost completely abandoning my creative pursuits, I felt even more broken, more lonely, more desirous of sense that I had actually grown up and become a worthwhile person. I mean, when I was 18 and suffering post-graduation depression, I told myself that if I wasn't happy by the time I was 27, I would kill myself. I don't think that anymore, I realized now how stupid or unhealthy that mindset was as soon as the depression wore off, but it just goes to show what my mindset was.

Maybe thats why I get so tangled in these things, I'm still desperate to prove to myself that I'm worth something, that there's nothing wrong with me. Before Doctor Nerdlove and OLD, I didn't think girls found me attractive in the slightest.

[jcorozza]

Oh, I definitely hear you on the "college is supposed to be the best time and you have all the friends" message. I didn't make a ton of great friends in college - the friends I'm closest with are pretty much all my few close friends from HS and ones I made after college. So it's definitely not the be-all end-all for your social life. I also think it's helpful to realize just how many people have felt similarly as young adults - which is why things like Meetup are so popular. It turns out that A LOT of us are terrible at organically making friends and need a bit of help! Now at least you have concrete proof, though, that there are women who are interested enough in you to go on a few dates - so there's a decent chance that if this particular one doesn't end up being a good long term prospect, there are other women out there who might be interested.

[Dannyboy]

Well I got rejected again. Fortunately this time wasn't nearly as bad, we'd only done two dates over a period of two weeks and, ultimately, I schedules never worked out anyway (damn I wish I didn't work on Staturdays of all days, lol. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm okay with this rejection because I've grown as a person or if its because I really wasn't as interested. Still though, this still leaves my sans-girlfriend with no new prospects currently in view. Maybe I can try actively searching again once the semester's over. Or maybe I'll get lucky and another girl will like me on Coffee and Bagel.

I don't suppose anyone here would be willing to take my Spanish test for me next week?

[Sponsored content]