Alienating every single person in my life [partial rant]

[Glides]

Yeah.

Not all at once. I didn't do anything unethical. All I did was be consistently negative for so goddamn long that people didn't want to talk to me anymore. I can't really blame them, why would you want to talk to me with how I'm acting right now. I can't stop being negative, I try so hard to be positive but it's turned off again. That part of my brain I spent years developing, feels completely gone all at once. I feel like I'm even farther behind than when I first got here. This is the only form of social interaction I have left now, that's how bad things have gotten.

The second there's a slight, I have to cut them out. I have to get rid of them and I'm not sure how to stop. I can't have them hating me. I know it's irrational but I don't know how to stop, my mind screams at me at the top of my lungs that everyone hates me, they're all tolerating me, it's so loud and I don't know how to convince it of anything else. I don't know anything else, I don't know how any single person can ever like me, but I know it's my mind! I know it is! I just feel like I'm slipping away, and I don't know what to do, and I've been alone for so goddamn long. I'm not speaking anymore, except when I get groceries. There's no one to text or talk to anymore. I keep alienating people, I keep pushing them away.

it takes so much effort to get one person to like you and so little to make them hate you. I don't know how to be strong enough to fight my mind. I don't know how to win and I don't know how to make people like me, I don't know how to separate my mind from everything else.

What do I do guys? I don't want to be bitter. I don't want to be hateful. But I don't know how to do anything else. It feels like the lowest of all lows. I think everyone hates me. I don't know how to prove it. Nobody texts me. Nobody calls me now. They just don't. I've alienated and pushed away everyone and I'm all alone.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

[Enail]

Remember that when you're feeling really bad, the way your relationships seem may not be the way they actually are. Some of the people who you think hate you could well be just dialing back  because they think that's what you want - when you push people away, them stepping back isn't automatically a sign that they don't like you anymore or that they won't be happy to hear from you if you get in touch when you feel up to it. Some people might be stepping back temporarily for their own well-being if they're affected by negativity, but aren't intending to break ties permanently. And even relationships that have been broken can sometimes be mended. When you feel up to it, try reaching out to people you've lost touch with; even if it doesn't feel like it, they might miss you and want to repair things.

Did you land up talking to your therapist about BPD? Some of what you're feeling sounds a lot like it, so even if that doesn't turn out to fit, maybe there would be some techniques for managing what your brain's doing.

Try to remember that this is not how things will be forever, there are always ups and downs. And you're still showing an ability to separate from your thoughts and recognize that what your brain tells you isn't always truth that you didn't used to have, down periods don't mean you've lost all the progress you've made. Just keep looking after yourself, and keep working at it, things can get better.

[littlebluedove]

If you don't feel like you can be positive yourself, you can ask your friends how they're doing, and some of them will probably bring up something positive. That could at least be a starting point. I hope you're able to do some mending with them.

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