Just started dating.

[JP McBride]

I want to say "again," but this is really my first sustained effort.

It's been going good. And by good I mean it sucks and I hate it, but I'm actually doing it, and that's just what 'good' means in the context of dating for me.

I've been using Fetlife, which is working vastly better than any OLD app. I've been on a few first dates, and I've noticed a recurring pattern where it feels to me like the date is going well and we're establishing an emotional connection, only to be told afterwards nope, nevermind, she's not interested in me at all any more. It really leaves me feeling like shit afterwards, and I'm not sure what to make of the situation or how to deal with it going forward.

[Werel]

I've been on a few first dates, and I've noticed a recurring pattern where it feels to me like the date is going well and we're establishing an emotional connection, only to be told afterwards nope, nevermind, she's not interested in me at all any more. It really leaves me feeling like shit afterwards, and I'm not sure what to make of the situation or how to deal with it going forward.

Hmm... I think a first date should be viewed through the lens of "neither of these people is legitimately interested in one another yet, and this initial meetup is to see if there is (a potential for) interest there." It's not that they stop being interested in you, it's that they figure out that they are not going to begin being interested. Don't know if that helps to think of it that way, but it might help you see it as nothing you did wrong on the dates - just the establishment of a lack of compatibility.

I have walked away from the vast majority of first dates thinking "what a perfectly pleasant 60-90 minutes that was, and what a perfectly nice person I don't have any active interest in seeing again." Fine-but-no-sparks is the norm, and while that absolutely sucks and is frustrating, it's also... just the norm. Don't let it make YOU feel like shit. Just keep having those initial first meetups to see if both of you are interested, take a break when it gets really exhausting and frustrating, and hang in there.

[JP McBride]

I have walked away from the vast majority of first dates thinking "what a perfectly pleasant 60-90 minutes that was, and what a perfectly nice person I don't have any active interest in seeing again." Fine-but-no-sparks is the norm, and while that absolutely sucks and is frustrating, it's also... just the norm. Don't let it make YOU feel like shit. Just keep having those initial first meetups to see if both of you are interested, take a break when it gets really exhausting and frustrating, and hang in there.

Thank you. It's really helpful to get another perspective on stuff like this.

That said, I'm probably going to go with some absurd plan like insisting on an upfront four date minimum, because honestly, that sort of thing is actually kind of working for me.

[KMR]

I agree with Werel that it's really common to have a date that's perfectly pleasant and enjoyable in the moment, but with one party just not feeling strongly enough about the other to want to continue dating them. I've also found in my experience that if I'm lukewarm about a guy but decide to go on a second date just to see if maybe it needs more time for my feelings to develop, it's always just ended up confirming that I'm not really into him and the second date ends up feeling like kind of a waste of time for both parties. So as shitty as it feels to have someone reject you for a second date, it's usually ultimately for the best.

[JP McBride]

I hear what you guys are saying.

I mean, I could go into the details, but what it boils down to is that I've learned the difference between the feelings I need to soldier through and the ones I need to take seriously.

[Enail]

<mod>Hey Hielario, a specific-topic thread about one person's situation, especially an inactive thread, is generally not the right place for general questions on the topicso I've split your question off to its own thread. The new topic is here.</mod>

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