jealousy

[Glides]

so one of my friends just got engaged. they were supposed to visit me but the pandemic put a lid on that.

i'm jealous. not for them specifically (though i did have a crush on them at one point), just for their happiness. i don't want them to lose happiness, i just want us both to have it. the fiancee is a nice person, we get along fine. i'm a couple years older than both of them and they are way farther ahead in life in every way than i am. granted, neither has crippling mental health issues, neither are chronically ill, but still. they're both making way more money than me (i have one more degree than them but that's not enough these days), they're both unbelievably extroverted, both of them have never had issues finding partners before each other.

granted, i always have the problem where my friends are always doing better than me now. with all the time alone to ruminate and think about how much i hate myself and literally have nothing else to do (it's either hating myself for not accomplishing anything or hating myself for knowing that if i get coronavirus it's a death sentence).

i am happy for them. i just want some for my own, right? just a little tiny silver lining. i think this is the worst my mental health has been since i began posting on the forum. I am in my mid-twenties and i'm functionally a 12 year old right now. might as well be. barely employed at this point, hours cut even more because of everything. sure as hell can't apply for anything that isn't remote now. job i'd applied for that i'd apparently had the interview passed with flying colors completely broke off contact once this shit started. i am nowhere near an "essential worker."

so my mind fixates because i'm alternating between boredom and despair and terror, often all at the same time. therapy is next to useless now because therapy assumes there isn't a fucking pandemic. i should actually be afraid right now. things are actually going to shit. so i'm sure every therapist feels completely useless. they're useless during pandemics.

when i said that this would be the rest of my life, i wasn't intending it to be literal for reasons outside of my control. i've been in quarantine two weeks longer than everyone else and it's been total hell. and my two friends are happy and in love and still my friends. i'll never be in love. i know that i'm not in love because i fixate on it and only the people who don't view dating as life and death or relying on someone else to validate their existence are the people who get to date. not like dating is possible right now unless you have a death wish.

what's there to look forward to? trump's gonna win re-election no matter what we do. but i'm betting myself one can of soup that tomorrow the therapist will once again have no idea what to say and i'll continue resenting everyone who's better than me.

[Enail]

Maybe look at therapy now as tools for handling a fear-inducing, stressful, isolating situation rather than at defeating irrational fear?

I have a small hope that something good will come of this in terms of making people realize that social supports and healthcare are necessary to protect society, that everyone needs everyone to have it, it's not just something that affects individuals that you can ignore. Obviously, I wouldn't want it to happen this way, but I feel a little better for hoping maybe it'll have a lasting effect on how we approach social good.

Sorry you're feeling the comparison-envy on top of everything, it sucks to feel worse about things that are already hard because of something that you want to just be able to feel happy for them for.