needing new friends

[Glides]

i feel like i'm falling through the cracks of everyone else's lives. it feels next to impossible to get a response from anyone. i spend most days alone since the pandemic and it's one of the many things getting to me. bringing me back to high school where i almost never had any friends. i've made many attempts to connect with people online and that's just not cutting it. the people i knew before largely created new lives without me and don't have time for me. so i'm at a loss. again.

[Enail]

It sucks, but try not assume too much about what lack of communication during the pandemic means. A lot of people I know have said they've been struggling to even text a hi to friends, that they fully want to continue being friends with, even if they're worried that not staying in touch now will damage that possibility. For me, I've been failing at it pretty miserably lately even with the people who live alone so I've been trying really hard to stay connected with, some of it is because it's people I don't normally text a ton with and we get on better in person than in text, but also some of it's because I see a message and am just like "no. that's not a thing I can deal with now," even while missing the person the message is from. It's not that I've built a life without them and am too busy for them now.

I'm not sure why, but something about this whole situation makes it really hard to maintain communication, maybe just the increased stress + boredom for people at home/ stress and maybe resentment or just feeling separated from people at home for people who are still working in person. Almost everyone's struggling in some way or another, even if it's not visible.

So, once you're protected enough your region is doing well enough that you feel okay to meet up with people again, do give a try getting together with people who've dropped off. I really think there's a good chance they'll still very much want to be friends. Of course, coming off of a year+ of pandemic, a lot of people are going to be accustomed to less social time and have too many people they want to see, so I'm sure at the start everyone's going to be struggling to balance fitting in seeing friends without burning out or overwhelming themselves, so it might still be tricky for a while. But this disruption doesn't necessarily mean an end to friendships.

[Glides]

anyway it's been over a year since this and i am now more sad about not feeling the need to be around most people than feeling the need to be around them. i spend most of my time alone and i no longer want to be around people. i've been single for over seven months, and went on exactly one date and have deleted all the dating apps since then.

i work and i basically do nothing else now. i spend every moment not working taking care of basic survival needs and a lot of time just staring at the ceiling or watching youtube/tiktok/video games. just constantly distracting myself. and i always did this to some degree but it's the worst it's ever been. the added monkeypox thing is making me want to be around people even less. i'm afraid i'm turning into a genuine misanthrope who hates human beings in generality. i am irritated by their noise and their lack of fear. i feel disgust for every person who isn't visibly afraid and for anyone who doesn't think we're going extinct within a century. this is just nihilism in place of doing things to make the world better. i am far too exhausted to be any real threat to myself. my own depression is ironically saving my life on a daily basis.

[Enail]

It's natural to want to hibernate and do nothing but distract yourself for a period, given the state of the world and what you've been going through with it.  What you describe sounds like a type of burnout. So maybe you need a fallow period where you can just rest and recover.

Of course, at some point you'll need to start doing stuff with your brain and heart more actively again, and if you feel like you're reaching that point, maybe try and pick a very low-stress, low effort activity that has a little creativity or intellectual engagement, like a colouring book or a fluffy, non-depressing non-fiction book to read, to start off with. Maybe some low-effort contact with a friend, even if it's just sending them a meme. It takes time to come back from this kind of state, and forcing it too hard just makes it worse.

Don't forget you're not alone. I think a lot of us who are still taking precautions around Covid are feeling crushed by the way the world has given up on doing anything about it and unsettled by how they're pretending it's not still a thing (ask me how often I watch the tv news solely for the purpose of shouting at it for barely reporting on hospital shut-downs and people dying of treatable illness after days waiting in ER), with politicians that are acting like things are fine and using it to pursue a further right-wing agenda, with humanity for not treating climate change like the emergency it is. But there's lots of people feeling like that, so you're not alone.

When you're ready, you'll connect with people again); you'll start being able to be creative and work on things that are important, personally or for the world, again; you'll be able to find some joy in life in spite of how scary and angering so many things are right now. It's okay to need to rest first.

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