Re: The Same OLD Stories: Dating Profile/Message Advice

by Dannyboy Fri Jul 28, 2017 4:08 am

Well, I just got ghosted by a girl; the first girl who seemed interested in a long time (to be fair, a great part of that is because I quit OLD to try and become more attractive by losing weight and making friends, not that I've made any progress there). I hadn't even planned on messaging anyone, I had simply joined Plenty Of Fish and slapped a photo of myself on a blank profile so I could see who was on the site. However, after messing with their quick match system I found I had a mutual match with a pretty attractive girl with similar interests in hiking and stuff, so I sent her message. Then, after messaging back and forth for a couple of hours late at night I asked her for her number so I could text her today and she gave it to me, saying she looked forward to talking to me when she was less sleep deprived. I texted her today, no reply, then I messaged her when POF said she was online. She read the first message but didn't respond, she never read the second, I assume she decided to black me.

I just wish I knew what i had done wrong, everything seemed to be great: we had shared interests in hiking and true crime, we flirted a little bit, and she gave me her number at the end of it all. What did I do that made her not want to talk to me again?

by AMischievousGrin Fri Jul 28, 2017 9:42 am

Dannyboy - So, Nerdlove actually talks about this.

First, one unreturned message doesn't necessarily mean she ghosted. She could have been busy, or not seen it. In the future - give it a day, and then send a second.

Even if she did ghost, it could have nothing to do with you. She could have had a personal emergency that's taken her attention away from dating. You two aren't exclusive yet, so someone she was casually dating could have gotten serious. Any number of things could have happened.

So on your end, my suggestion would be to just keep trying to meet people. It's a bummer if she ghosted you, but if you're this put off by it, maybe put more effort into your profile so more people respond.

As for this specific person, if you send a text and she doesn't respond, don't read too much in to it. In person > Call > Text > In-app messaging, so don't regress for that "read" receipt. You should have waited a day and sent a second text. If two days passed, on the third day, follow the aforementioned nerdlove advice with something like, "Hey, I know you're busy, but I'd love to get a know you better. Get a hold of me when your schedule opens up." and move on. That way you haven't closed the door, but you're not pushing if she has.

I say all this because it's something I struggle with too. I'm very responsive to texts/messages, and ghosting really does suck. But you should want someone who takes your time seriously enough to respond anyway. Good luck!

by Mara_ Fri Jul 28, 2017 10:16 am

AMischievousGrin, I get where you come from with the 25+, that's an age after which people can be presumed to have some more real-world experience so it's a reasonable cutoff to me (it's the same one I selected, actually). And about the 34- for family-making reasons, it seems like such a utilitarian view of a partner that I really don't know what to say.
It makes sense to want to have healthy children, but focusing on age alone is misleading and looks pretty bad, honestly. Like, if you wouldn't add to your profile "no family history of X conditions, no mental health problems, no abuse survivors as that increases risk of PPD and PPS" I wouldn't put just the age thing in there.
This kinda makes me worry about what you prioritize in a partner. I would personally rather have kids with an awesome man in his forties (which has a negative effect on the kids' heath too), or with a family history of depression, diabetes or whatever than with a healthy 30 year old that I don't like as much. And I don't really understand rejecting them outright because of the increased risks, it seems rather cold.
I don't know if you should lie, I do know that I don't answer messages from men who look for much younger but just a bit older, ever, no matter how hot they are and where in that range I fall.

by Mara_ Fri Jul 28, 2017 10:21 am

Dannyboy I think you might feel less pain if you reframe dating someone as opt-in instead of opt-out (or charm-in instead of disgust-out). It's not that you did something wrong. It's just that you didn't push the right set of buttons in the right order to make her want to choose your company over her own. It happens to the best of us. It's really not personal.

by AMischievousGrin Fri Jul 28, 2017 10:30 am

Mara_ - It feels like you might be reading more into my intentions largely based on the OKC format. I agree with you - Mrs. Right in her 40s is a much better conclusion than someone else young and nubile.

I guess my question is, why not both? Part of the draw of online dating is the variety. I want to put my absolute best foot forward so I can sift through the ones who aren't "the one" and find my perfect match. If it looks like I'm prioritizing Age over quality, I think that is a result of the OKC format - it's certainly not my position.

My perfect date is 30 (with a slew of other more important qualifications). Close in age to myself, and several years before we ought to think about children. From there I've gone down 5 and up 4. That's not really fair, though, because I myself am 32. And to be honest, if a attractive nerd who wants to stay in and watch game of thrones messaged me and I saw that she was over 34 - I'll almost certainly give her my number.

So what's a number that wouldn't put you off? 25-36? 37? Do I have to be exactly in the middle?

by **Werel** Fri Jul 28, 2017 4:17 pm

Hi AMischievousGrin, welcome. I agree with Mara that regardless of the reasons, the age range thing may be a pretty immediate "hmm/nope" of varying severity for a lot of women, if only because something like 2 years older/7+ years younger is ubiquitous on OLD profiles, and it's often not just for pragmatic reasons like childbearing ability. If you're actually open to women older than you (particularly if adoption is a possibility), and aren't one of those dudes who thinks females hit the wall at 25, I'd encourage you to switch up the age range to include more of the 30s. Not only will that include women over 34 who might be a good match, but it won't actively turn off younger women who use it as a sniff test for certain kinds of misogyny.

by AMischievousGrin Fri Jul 28, 2017 8:37 pm

Werel - Thanks for the feedback. If, even under ideal circumstances like here where I have the opportunity to explain myself with no assumptions or consequences, it still looks bad, well then it sounds like I'm just wrong about this. I appreciate your and Mara_'s feedback. The idea of "hitting a wall" is absurd. And while I'm really not wild about adoption, I've got no problem with women older than me.

by Gotoku 2017 Sat Jul 29, 2017 12:30 am

I was just wondering if anyone had some tips/advice for my first message......

Hey there (Profile name) It's awesome to find another gamer on here, what games are you currently playing?
I'm currently Playing Persona 5 which I've been trying to finish since April. You ever played any of the Persona games before?

(I'm also quite a big fan of Nadal...shame what happened to him at Wimbledon)

I mainly talk about one or two interests we both have.
However I feel my message could be better.
I would be very grateful for any tips or advice.

by AMischievousGrin Sat Jul 29, 2017 12:44 am

Not bad. So, it's obviously specific to them, you mention their interests, and you ask questions, which is a great start.

Depending on what site you're on, I'd consider dropping the "Hey there". OKC only shows the first several words in the preview, and I hate wasting that space. Maybe "It's awesome to find another gamer on here (profile name), what games..."

Also, if at all possible, I'd end on a question, not a statement.

Still, looks pretty good to me overall.

by OneTrueGuest Sat Jul 29, 2017 12:04 pm

AMischievousGrin - and here comes One True Guest popping back into the forum because the age of women able to have healthy babies myth is one that she feels THAT strongly about that she just had to post. Have you seen this video? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YIz9jZPzvo

by Gotoku 2017 Sat Jul 29, 2017 3:25 pm

Cheers I'm sort of using it as a template changing it around for different people. I'm currently using pof

by **Werel** Sat Jul 29, 2017 6:28 pm

Gotoku 2017, that looks good-- personalized and not too lengthy, with some easy ways to respond built in. I agree with ending it on a question and not a statement, though, and I might change the "have you played Persona?" to "have you played Persona? What did you think of it, if you have?" For a couple of reasons: 1) it invites a longer response than just yes or no; and 2) it dispels the possibility that it's a nerd gatekeeping question, and turns it into a way to show that you're interested in what she thinks.

Good luck, hope you get some responses!

by Gotoku 2017 Sun Jul 30, 2017 2:42 am

Profile headline - Not flawless,But My Dog Thinks I'm Awesome

Hey I’m Jon

I’m from Worthing where there’s always something fun to do if you know where to look. There’s just not many places to look.

I’m interested in martial arts and have been doing kung fu for about a year so I’m literally a kickass kinda guy. I'm also planning to start kickboxing at a later date and train in both martial arts.

I’m also learning French; if honest I'm still at a very basic level but enjoying the experience. I would like to visit France again one year and maybe one day live down in the south. I really appreciate the relaxed culture and atmosphere France is famous for. However for now I just learn it as a hobby.

I'm a big anime fan and I'm also currently planning a trip to Tokyo next year. I've always wanted to visit the city because of how unique of a place it really is.

I’m pretty chilled but I’m always down for new opportunities and I’ll try anything new.

Hit me up if you’re interested.

What I've written for my profile so far....just wondering if anyone had some tips to improve it.
cheers

(Again this is for use on pof)

by Dannyboy Sun Aug 13, 2017 1:05 am

Well, I'm looking to get back into online dating again, and i was wondering if you guys could tell me if any of the images in this album are good for a profile (the ones with the beard are the most recent).

https://imgur.com/a/6Bqgu

by DoubtfulGuest Tue Aug 22, 2017 1:33 pm

Dannyboy, for what it's worth, I like the outdoor ones-I think the third picture is the best.

I'm considering OKCupid, but I'm not sure...I don't have any close friends in my area that I see regularly, so I'm not sure if I need to "fix" my social life first, get a more "exciting" life in general first...or what. Also, not sure how great my pictures are. I don't take many of myself (and I feel weird asking strangers to take them, though I have successfully gotten strangers to take pictures of me before, and the awkwardness fades away).

Here's a couple. I have a couple more, mostly selfies (some of which are pretty flattering). I should probably get another one of me standing, I guess? I'll have to ask someone to do it. Is the first one too dark? I don't love the third one, but it's an accurate photo. I just feel like if I make one miscalculation with my expressions, they come out looking "creepy" (but I feel weird about asking strangers to take multiple pictures, since I'm already reluctant to ask people to take pictures in the first place).

EDIT: I've taken all my pictures off the forum (even in old posts). I appreciate all the feedback though!

by **Werel** Tue Aug 22, 2017 10:56 pm

Nah, I don't think you necessarily have to have your social life locked down before dating. Plus, OKCupid can double as a potential friend-meeting site, so it might be a good idea on both fronts.

I think the first two pictures are the best, and they look similar enough to the third that you don't need to worry about accurate representation. Another standing picture would be good, and/or maybe one where you're looking at something other than the camera (I dunno why, but some diversity in where your gaze is directed helps add visual interest for me). But those are good shots, they seem warm and friendly.

by DoubtfulGuest Thu Aug 24, 2017 3:14 pm

Werel wrote:Nah, I don't think you necessarily have to have your social life locked down before dating. Plus, OKCupid can double as a potential friend-meeting site, so it might be a good idea on both fronts.

Still, though, "you should focus on your social life first" is such common dating advice, though...and I feel like not having a consistent social circle is yet another potential red flag I don't need (I feel like I already have so many-or, at least, yellow flags, if that's a thing). At the same time, I've written about this before, and maybe I can relax about this stuff a little bit-or at least think about why not having a bunch of close friends could be a red flag to some people (for instance, the fear that a partner without a lot of supports would rely on the other partner for all their social needs, which may be fine for some people, but that would be draining for me, too. I don't think I would have that problem, though. I'm used to being able to entertain myself. So, if I don't think that would be an issue, then maybe my not having the social life I would like to have at this moment is less of a potential red flag. I don't know).

Thanks for the photo feedback-I'll get some more sometime later this week. I have ideas-like getting some standing photos in front of some of the downtown murals. Stuff like that.

by nearly_takuan Sat Aug 26, 2017 11:03 pm

Depends partly on the kind of person you want to meet, I think. When I finally found somebody willing to go out with me I rushed out the gate guns a-blazin' with advice from Paging and other vaguely ex-PUA-ish sources, trying to prove I wasn't boring by suggesting exciting activity dates and social events. But I also paid attention to what she wanted, which, it turned out, was mostly to go out for dinner or watch a movie or sit on a couch and talk. Thank goodness, because I probably would've gotten exhausted pretty fast if she'd turned out to be a social-butterfly type with an insatiable desire to meet new people and maintain lots of friendships. (tl;dr: for all its faults, the movie adaptation of It's Kind of a Funny Story contained possibly the best dating advice I ever heard, and I don't think the good Doctor has written a Learn From This article about it but that's a mistake.)

I did have a consistent social circle, but that was kind of a trap anyway in that the circle was a little too consistent and did more to keep me from meeting potential partners than help directly in that regard. It probably helped overall anyway on the indirect front, in that having some close friends helped me feel a little more secure, but that's about it, and if you don't need that then you don't need that.

by DoubtfulGuest Sun Aug 27, 2017 11:16 pm

nearly_takuan wrote:Depends partly on the kind of person you want to meet, I think. When I finally found somebody willing to go out with me I rushed out the gate guns a-blazin' with advice from Paging and other vaguely ex-PUA-ish sources, trying to prove I wasn't boring by suggesting exciting activity dates and social events. But I also paid attention to what she wanted, which, it turned out, was mostly to go out for dinner or watch a movie or sit on a couch and talk. Thank goodness, because I probably would've gotten exhausted pretty fast if she'd turned out to be a social-butterfly type with an insatiable desire to meet new people and maintain lots of friendships.

Right, I feel the same way you did-the advice on the main site is good stuff, don't get me wrong, and the same for other non-awful/non-sexist/non-sleazy dating advice on the Internet. I mean, a lot of the articles on DNL are aimed at a wide audience, so there's going to be some very general advice that may not be the perfect fit for every situation. Totally get that. At the same time, I definitely have this idea in my head that to be successful at dating (which doesn't look the same to everyone-for me it's "find someone I want to have a satisfying and warm long-term relationship with") I have to basically dazzle the other person by being amazing and exciting, as much as possible. I also think "you should take some time to not think about relationships and work on yourself" is...good advice, in many cases. I'm certainly glad I "worked on myself"...but I don't know when I've "worked on myself" enough to give this stuff a shot again, and no one but me can really determine that, so...there's just a lot of uncertainty in the air.

I'm 31, for the record-still, nothing I can really do about that. I hope that actually putting myself out there will sort of help me break out of this idea that most of the people I'm interested in are not going to be into me (but of course, I have no way of knowing that. At least trying is better than asking the same unanswerable questions over and over). It's tricky really move past that when you're not sure you have much to really challenge it with.

by Dannyboy Sat Sep 30, 2017 6:24 pm

Well, unfortunately I'm back in the game again.

I haven't updated this profile in about a month, so I'm wondering what guys think of it:

https://www.okcupid.com/profile/WenndellGee

by ReploidArmada Thu Mar 15, 2018 6:08 pm

I'd also like some advice on my OLD profiles, since I've been trying and failing to get someone (maybe even senpai Razz

) to notice me. I can't figure out how to link my Tinder profile, so the text part of it is in the spoiler tags below.

https://www.okcupid.com/profile/ReploidArmada

Spoiler:

by **Werel** Thu Mar 15, 2018 7:32 pm

For your OKC profile, a few thoughts:

-Making people laugh is, in best practice, a "show, don't tell" thing. Adding some humor to the profile is way more effective than just saying you're good at making people laugh.

-Yes, it is rich to hear this from me, but advertising your virginity on the first page is probably not the way to go. The number of women who will find that to be a bonus are, unfortunately, fewer than those who will see that as TMI from a stranger. You can talk about your (in)experience once you've gotten to know someone a little bit.

-Your "perfect day" answer sounds a little off, and I think it's because "a beautiful woman" is so... impersonal? It could be any woman at all as long as she's beautiful? If you want to make it cheeky, it could be "cuddling with you"; if you want to tone it down, you could trim it to just "cuddling."

-I think maybe this came up years ago in this thread, but a good profile should give some clue as to what you're like as a date/in a relationship. But as you may have said back then, that's something you don't know yet. So you might want to highlight the parts of your life you think would be appealing to share (and get specific--not just board game night, but specific games you like to play. Not just hiking, but a cool trail/lookout you'd like to share. Not just cats, but a funny game or routine you have with your own cat. etc.).

-If TV is not a thing you spend much time on, pick another media interest that really speaks to you and outline your faves there. Nobody wants to chat about something that makes their date go "meh"--what do you super duper love? Books? Anime? Movies? Video games? Talk about whatever makes you light up.

-Your pics aren't bad, but if possible, see if you can take some with a real, genuine smile. Your first pic looks like "ehhh I don't want to be in this picture but I'm smiling a little" and the others are super serious/sad-- can you get somebody to snap one where you're actually happy? Happy is universally appealing.

Hope some of that's kinda helpful? Feel free to post updates if you want feedback on edits!

by **Enail** Thu Mar 15, 2018 7:40 pm

I'm not too familiar with Tinder style, so take it with a grain of salt, but your pasted blurb is a bit generic, I think it'd be better if you could give more of a sense of your personality in it, maybe stick in a more specific detail or two. (I couldn't open your other link)

by ReploidArmada Thu Mar 15, 2018 9:27 pm

Thanks Werel and Enail! I haven't touched my Tinder profile yet, but I did a few things to my OKC one:

1 - I took out the "secret" about me being a virgin. I replaced it with "crime most likely to be arrested for" or whatever, and my response was "stealing your heart! Wink

"

2 - I expanded the self-summary with a short physical description of me, and of what I'm looking for.

3 - I significantly expanded the "favorite media" section with a listing of my favorite board games and video games.

4 - I changed the "perfect day" segment to read "cuddling in bed with you" instead of with "a beautiful woman".

5 - I changed the "contact me if" segment to say that I'm not really experienced in a lot of the things I'd like to do with someone, but I'd like to do them regardless.

I would prefer a better picture, but I see most of my friends at night in a low-light environment, so getting a better picture will be difficult unless I specifically contact someone for one. I think I'm not very photogenic, though.

Would you mind having another look?

by **Werel** Mon Mar 19, 2018 5:25 pm

That looks better!

This part's a little odd, though:

You enjoy cuddling, cooking romantic dinners, hikes & nature walks, dancing, and/or gardening. I'm not experienced in most of those, but those are things I'd like to be able to do with someone.

You can hike or garden or cook on your own-- if you're not doing those things now (which reads as you not actually being interested in them), why would you want to do them with someone else? A good dating profile should showcase the parts of your life that are already cool and which someone might like to join in; this runs the risk of sending the message "I think my life will change significantly if I could just find a partner," which isn't a good thought process.

Good luck on the upcoming dates!

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