Re: High Libido, Low Drag [vent/disc]

[Caffeinated]

Then, I'll get on Tinder and it's bot after bot after bot.

Is this really a thing? This whole bots on dating sites/apps thing? I mean, it's been a few years since I did any online dating, but I don't recall ever running across a single profile that appeared to be anything other than a real live man. But I do remember thinking how bizarre it was how many ads on craigslist seemed to want me to jump through hoops to "prove I was real" which always seemed strange and a little insulting. Like, of course I was real, what else would I be. How universal is this bot thing?

Yes, bots are VERY much a thing, especially on Tinder. I would message the women I'm matched with and 20 minutes they message me a sketchy link to some camsite. Or some backdoor-style site where I can get the whole GFE for $120 an hour!! It's very discouraging.

Wow, how obnoxious! Is there a way to report spam on tinder? (I would hope placing ads by creating fake profiles would be against the terms of service.)

[Guest]

I hear about women that are dealing with the very same issues, but where are they? Why can't I find any so we can do eachother a favor? Guh.

So when I was a freshman in college I went to an intensive language study summer school program, where I met this 23 year old female virgin, and upon getting to know her I couldn't help but blurt something out along the lines of "wow, men must be such shitheads that you could be this age and never have been on a date, what are they thinking!?" I guess she wasn't conventionally attractive in the buxom blonde sense, and the shallow might judge her as plain looking but up close you'd notice that she had large, lovely, doe-like brown eyes and fine features. She was super nice and approachable, very sex positive (she'd worked as an intern for Scarleteen) and the kind of person that you could shyly approach with all the questions you'd had about vibrators and such, and adorably nerdy. It just confused me how she could still be a virgin, and I didn't quite know how to reassure her that I'm sure he would come along, eventually.

On the last day of the program when I went to say goodbye I saw her snuggling up with a guy from the class above me looking like she was over the moon. I don't know if that story was of any help (probably not) but I guess for some people its just a matter of time?

Nnnnot really helping. I know you mean well, I appreciate it. :3 Up until last year, I myself hadn't been on a date either. That's a sweet story, your friend sounds like someone I'd like to know more myself too, the "plain" girls I also find attractive. But idk how'd they feel about me, so I tend to let it go. I suppose it could be a matter of time, but I don't think waiting will really help anyone, much less me. People tell me to put myself out there, well I'm here and nobody's said anything.

Relaxing does sound like a good idea, but I don't know what advice I have for you there beyond what I've already given. So I guess I would hope that you could be kind to yourself for a bit now, as it sounds like things have just been tearing you up inside, and that sounds like it must be really draining. Take care of yourself, okay? And don't be afraid to rant, if that's what you need to do.

Relaxing... I thought about getting drunk, but that only makes me hornier. I was gonna say I'd light up a joint, but I'm looking for a new job. Idk how I'm gonna relax when all this is still swirling/simmering in my head. I'm currently in a dark place in my heart where porn and masturbation is doing more harm than good to my heart. I'm finding myself going into dark places, just all around awfulness.

Then I have to remind myself, that the dark things I'm feeling and thinking are wrong. I'm not like that.

Guh.

[Guest]

Wow, how obnoxious! Is there a way to report spam on tinder? (I would hope placing ads by creating fake profiles would be against the terms of service.)

It's very discouraging, especially for us shyer dudes. :/ And Yes, they have a report button and I report and unmatch every. Single. Time. that happens. Every time. And I'm almost sure thats against Tinders ToS. I'm not 100% sure.

[Jayce]

Mikey have you tried practicising to be more resilient to horiness? I'm a person with a pretty high libido myself, if I masterbated the night before the next morning I would be horny again. What I found out is that horniness rises and drops like a market share graph. If I don't masturbate for a while, the first couple of days I would be really horny but after a while it drops, then sometime after that it rises again.

So my way of doing this, is just let the feelings pass through but choose to not do anything about it. Yes, acknowledge that you are turned on and thats it. Make peace with the fact that you get turned on often. Just think of it as self control training and resilience training.

By disconnecting the strong link between masturbation and feeling turned on, You don't have to always have to feel like you need to get rid of it like its something icky or something troublesome. You can just acknowledge it for the pleasure it is and let it all pass through.

[Guest]

Mikey have you tried practicising to be more resilient to horiness? I'm a person with a pretty high libido myself, if I masterbated the night before the next morning I would be horny again. What I found out is that horniness rises and drops like a market share graph. If I don't masturbate for a while, the first couple of days I would be really horny but after a while it drops, then sometime after that it rises again.

So my way of doing this, is just let the feelings pass through but choose to not do anything about it. Yes, acknowledge that you are turned on and thats it. Make peace with the fact that you get turned on often. Just think of it as self control training and resilience training.

By disconnecting the strong link between masturbation and feeling turned on, You don't have to always have to feel like you need to get rid of it like its something icky or something troublesome. You can just acknowledge it for the pleasure it is and let it all pass through.

I dunno, to me horniness is defined by my mood and physical state. I masturbate twice a day, twice. Once in the morning and once before I go to bed, sometimes, I'll masturbate twice in a morning. If I'm not going out on a day, I'll fap up to about 4 or 5 times in a day. At least, I have done that before, but not recently. Usually if I'm incredibly depressed or sad about something I won't masturbate for a few days until my mood picks up again, but most of the time, I'm always willing, able and ready.

The longest I've gone without masturbating has seriously got to be a week, seven days; that when we flew down to Haiti, I kept my hands where I could see them. The irony of that trip though is we met up with a girl in Haiti that was a mission partner with our church too who was... simply put, absolutely stunning. That wasn't the hardest no fap week, no, because I was trying to keep myself alive and NOT trying to get malaria or any nasty diseases. So that was pretty easy, again because I was tryna stay alive amidst new parasites, bacterias and nastiness that comes with entering a new country where you don't have their immunities.

I acknowledge things for the pleasure/pleasantness they give me. But then I gotta hide the visible erection I got and that in and of itself is very embarrassing and annoying. It takes me back to when I was in 5th grade where having boners was something to be laughed at and still is.

What I really want though is to get rid of pantsfeelings and attraction to people altogether. I feel like there's no point for me to have and keep pantsfeelings anymore, I'm not using them anyway, so. -shrug-

[The Wisp]

I understand, it's just... I dunno, it's been a difficult and emotional two weeks. Well, at least on the inside it has. I'm tired, I'm sad, and worst of all horny with no outlet. Makes me feel like a caged tiger. And I dunno what to do anymore, sexual frustration is one of THE most frustrating things I've had to deal with in my entire life. I hear about women that are dealing with the very same issues, but where are they? Why can't I find any so we can do eachother a favor? Guh.

I sympathize a lot, I feel the same way.

[Guest]

What I really want though is to get rid of pantsfeelings and attraction to people altogether. I feel like there's no point for me to have and keep pantsfeelings anymore, I'm not using them anyway, so. -shrug-

It certainly would be nice to be able to do this. I seem to have a high libido myself, so I'd gladly torch it in favour of nothing if I could.

It's like your own body is taunting you.

[Guest]

I sympathize a lot, I feel the same way.

Thanks, dude.

It certainly would be nice to be able to do this. I seem to have a high libido myself, so I'd gladly torch it in favour of nothing if I could.

It's like your own body is taunting you.

I find it to be the equivalent of feeling like a tiger trapped in a cage.

EDIT: I'm tryin to find a partner; but that has proven to be more difficult than anything else. OTG suggested to me (via email) to legit take a break from finding a partner altogether, she is wise (very wise), but I don't know how helpful that will be to be honest.

EDIT2: Okay, I'm really beginning to think that my own prolonged virginity is attributing to some heavy sexual frustration and I just can't take it anymore.

[Hae]

It's like your own body is taunting you.

Same here. I wish there was a way to control it somehow, and closest I can get to doing it is Jayce's method.

[Guest]

I just like masturbating to much to stop it. I'll take it easy on the fapping, but goddamn it do I love to fap. I just want to find a sex partner OR cut off my balls (chemically) if I can't find one.

That's prolly #2 on the list of things I want. #1 is finding a girlfriend, that would be awesome to have and love and that I think is more rewarding. #2 is me having fun, sowing my wild oats as they say, if I can't have a girlfriend why can't I at the very least try and have cheap and meaningless sex?

I mean, probably giving my virginity to a stranger I met at a bar or club or supermarket probably isn't the best idea, but I don't give a shit. I'm young and willing and able, hell, I could go for a cougar. If I can't get a kitten, I'd loooove for an older woman to have me. For example, When I was doing my video thing in January, I met a few Cougars, who I'm sure were married, but holy shit did their humor turn me on like none other.

-ahem-

Sorry, this is a slightly drunk Mikey speaking after playing GTA5 as Trevor Phillips for a while. Now, as TP said, I feel like I need to masturbate or meditate, or BOTH!

But in all seriousness, I wanna get laid really bad. Maybe I could reconnect with an old high school connection who went from a super cute chubby girl to an extraordinary hottie. Just to be clear, I thought she was cute then toooo... :3

Okay, I'll shhhuttup now and regret this reply in the morning. I love you all (platonically), especially Werel and Kleenestar. I think you're amazing, ladies. Oh and OneTrueGuest, you three are like my need lounge BFFs. Oh and eselle and too. You ladies are dope. Don't stop being kind and lovely. ^ -^

Okay, I'll stop now.

<3

[Guest]

-ahem-

It's been little over a week since I wrote my half-drunk reply here.

Anyway, I've also figured that I'm not being 100% honest with myself and others. As stated in my last post in this thread, if I can't have a loving relationship, I'd love to be able to sow my wild oats and engage in meaningless casual sex. I'm just not terribly clever and most women seem like they don't like being propositioned so quickly and find it off-putting.

That's okay, that's undedstandable, I get it. Unless I was drubk, deeply stoned and feeling ballsy I'd prolly propose that the we have sex. But even then, I'm still not comfy with asking that particular question. I was drunk last HALLOWEEN and I played it good.

Any ideas on how accomplish my goal of wanting to have some casual lays and lose my Virginity that way? I thought about a swingers joint...

[PintsizeBro]

Honestly dude... I think you're more lonely than anything else. You grew up in a society that told you the only emotions you're allowed to feel are angry and horny. So you feel your boner, and your loneliness, and you conflate them into one problem that will be solved by having sex. It's an easy trap to fall into. Sometimes it feels like our whole society is built around making young men feel this way. And in a way, it is.

I've had casual sex and I've had relationships. Both are great, but neither are an acceptable substitute when what you want is the other. Even in a relationship, I jerk off more than I have sex just because my sex drive is higher than that of everyone I've dated. But I'm not left feeling hollow after I clean up because I'm not lonely or emotionally isolated.

[Guest]

Being "Lonely" is such a hard thing to identify because I *do* have a seemingly strong circle of friends. We may not always hangout every day, but we try to chill almost weekly. However, hanging out with male compatriots is much different from hanging out with female compatriots. I'll be honest, I like hanging out with girls a lot.

Lonely, sure, but it's a different kind of lonely, it's a girl-less sort of lonely, I guess. And a girlfriendless kind of lonely too.

If I wanna get REAL analytical about it, I think I grew up in a society where I was told I wasn't allowed to feel anything at all. If I got pissed, me or others got told to go outside or if I didn't get a chance to explain also, outside. At least that's what it felt like growing up for most of my childhood. With my parents, I wasn't allowed to be sad about not getting what I wanted. I wasn't allowed to be happy because I wasn't doing chores or whatever. Up until even now, I've been pretty mellow and don't get fired up about something unless I really believe in it. So maybe that's sceewing me over?

I dunno, I've had my feels and my boners but I never conflated the two. If anything, I'd get a boner, look around, notice no one and I go back to normal because no one is there. Or the boner sticks around and sexual frustration sets in and the situation becomes an episode of the Venture Bros.

I dunno why or how society makes young men feel this way tbh. But when I fap, sure im satisfied for a moment but I'm not hollow. I dunno, maybe I just want companionship for the most part. But I guess maybe that's too much to ask for? -shrug-

[PintsizeBro]

You hit the nail pretty squarely when you talked about not being allowed to feel anything. If you try not to feel anything, what you do feel will come out in weird ways.

It's generally acceptable to talk about your feelings - or just to HAVE feelings - with girls, but not with guy friends.

It's not something that you can change overnight. It's not really anything I can give you a plan of action for either.

But for what it's worth, even if there was a chemical castration solution that worked, it wouldn't solve your real problem. Hah, sorry I can't be more encouraging. I think you're okay, mostly. It's just hard right now.

[Guest]

Shit, I wasn't even allowed to be angry and even now I feel like I'm not allowed to get pissed. Although I dunno what you mean by what I feel coming out weird.

And I know it's commonly accepted to talk to girls about my feels, sometimes I feel like I'm being a bother to even them. Solution? I just talk to myself when I'm driving alone or my dogs.

I don't even know what my real problem is. I just don't want to be attracted to anyone nor feel the want to have a relationship with anyone either. I think being a Vulcan or a robot would solve most of my problems.

[Wondering]

Ah, but Vulcans work really hard to tamp down their emotions and keep them subjugated to logic. They aren't just automatically emotionless and logical.

[Guest]

I don't even know what my real problem is. I just don't want to be attracted to anyone nor feel the want to have a relationship with anyone either. I think being a Vulcan or a robot would solve most of my problems.

I remember my high school nickname was 'Robot' because of my monotonic voice and ability to spout useless facts when the time called for it. If only I could have known about being attracted to people ahead of time, I could have channeled some of that robotic nature better!

[Guest]

Ah, but Vulcans work really hard to tamp down their emotions and keep them subjugated to logic. They aren't just automatically emotionless and logical.

Aha. WELP, ALL THE MORE REASON TO WORK ON BEING LIKE A VULCAN!

I remember my high school nickname was 'Robot' because of my monotonic voice and ability to spout useless facts when the time called for it. If only I could have known about being attracted to people ahead of time, I could have channeled some of that robotic nature better!

Robot? Psh, how creative. Personally, I would have gone with Gort. But I'm a film buff, sooo, prolly not many would get it.

[PintsizeBro]

Whether or not the Vulcan approach is healthy I'm not entirely sure. Since they're not human I can't entirely judge them by human standards.

Robots, on the other hand... well, that depends on what kind of robot you are.

But I'm nitpicking. I think you're out of touch with your emotions for totally understandable reasons, and it's having a negative effect on your quality of life.

[Jayce]

It's generally acceptable to talk about your feelings - or just to HAVE feelings - with girls, but not with guy friends.

I think it's worth it to discuss your feelings with your male friends. Good friends are supportive or be neutral or will look out for you.

Also if you're not willing to discuss your feelings with your guy friends, especially if you guys are close, what does it say about what you think of other men? And if you only go to women to share your feelings, what does that imply about what you think about women in general?

[PintsizeBro]

Worth it to try talking about feelings with guy friends? Yes. Will they be good listeners? Not necessarily, even if they're otherwise good friends. Talking about your feelings is making yourself vulnerable, and we don't really have a cultural concept of emotional closeness for men that isn't sexually charged.

Here's a real example from my life: at a party, a guy I knew somewhat well but wasn't super close with pulled me aside after a few beers and wanted to talk about his relationship with his dad, so we went back to his room and talked. Other people saw us leaving his room together, and a bunch of my friends immediately asked me if we had sex (we didn't, he was straight and even if he wasn't, that's just not appropriate).

My friends who jumped to a conclusion weren't bad guys. I've even talked about emotional stuff with a few of them at times (and no, I didn't bang them either). But they're a product of the culture they grew up in, and that kind of baggage is hard to throw off, especially when you're still young.

[Guest]

Whether or not the Vulcan approach is healthy I'm not entirely sure. Since they're not human I can't entirely judge them by human standards.

Robots, on the other hand... well, that depends on what kind of robot you are.

But I'm nitpicking. I think you're out of touch with your emotions for totally understandable reasons, and it's having a negative effect on your quality of life.

I would love to be a wookie instead, at least they're tall, furry and adorable. :3 But it was to be a robot, I'd prefer to be like ED-209, or the T-1000.

I don't fully understand what you mean by out of touch with my emotions. I'm old/mature enough to handle my shit, but I have a pretty lax attitude about most things. I dunno what I'm missing here.

I think it's worth it to discuss your feelings with your male friends. Good friends are supportive or be neutral or will look out for you.

Also if you're not willing to discuss your feelings with your guy friends, especially if you guys are close, what does it say about what you think of other men?  And if you only go to women to share your feelings, what does that imply about what you think about women in general?

I think it would depend on the bros. There's only ONE or two dudes who I'm willing to talk to about this and even then I'm pretty shy about it. Because, one of my buddies is a Christian, Christian Bro, he doesn't fully understand that I'm not 100% Christian and that I'm not looking for a Christian girlfriend, not when I want to have sex and she doesn't. I'm not gonna force somebody to forsake their religious beliefs so we (or at least I) could get my rocks off.

And my other homie, Navy Bro, he's always been pretty open about girls and stuff. He guided me slightly when I was navigating the trenches last year with Social Anxiety Girl...

I don't think it says anything about what I think about dudes, but more like, "Oh shit, feels vomit, I'm sure they don't wanna hear about my issues." Like I said in a previous post, I would rather go to ladies about my feels, but even then I feel like I'm bothering them too because I'll talk about the same issue every time. Some years ago, I annoyed a girl by talking to them about my issues with girls and how I was sad and blah. Sooner or later she stopped talking to me and dropped off the face of the Earth. So after that I thought, "Well, okay, I guess I'll keep my feels to myself." (Keep in mind, this particular bit happened back when I was like 14)

I am very shy about my feels and attractions. I won't talk about any crushes, because when I have in the past, it came back to bite me in the ass. I know it sounds difficult to believe but being taunted and/or insultingly chastised sucks. Nowadays, it's gotten easier because chances are, nobody I know personally, will know who this other person is.

Worth it to try talking about feelings with guy friends? Yes. Will they be good listeners? Not necessarily, even if they're otherwise good friends. Talking about your feelings is making yourself vulnerable, and we don't really have a cultural concept of emotional closeness for men that isn't sexually charged.

Here's a real example from my life: at a party, a guy I knew somewhat well but wasn't super close with pulled me aside after a few beers and wanted to talk about his relationship with his dad, so we went back to his room and talked. Other people saw us leaving his room together, and a bunch of my friends immediately asked me if we had sex (we didn't, he was straight and even if he wasn't, that's just not appropriate).

My friends who jumped to a conclusion weren't bad guys. I've even talked about emotional stuff with a few of them at times (and no, I didn't bang them either). But they're a product of the culture they grew up in, and that kind of baggage is hard to throw off, especially when you're still young.

You know what's funny about that, is I've gone on camping trips with my previously mentioned buddies and three other dudes. Christian Bro and Navy Bro and the rest of my High School/D&D bros, anyway, we rented a cabin in the mountains close to San Diego and after a long day of hikes and trailblazing we all came back to the cabin, showered and played N64 until the lights went out. And we'd get dirty, we'd get sooo dirty, we'd talk about all the girls we wanted to nail, fetishes, etc.

That night, after I had finished showering I went to lay down on the bed I was sharing with Christian Bro. What's funny about this fella is, he's SUPER secure in masculinity and he'll mess with us by trying to make us uncomfortable which leads to often times hilarious results. Well, after I layed down on the bed face down, Christian Bro, comes in and lays on my back and slowly but surely within minutes, we had a man-pile. With me at the bottom.

So, I dunno. Just a funny story from when we went camping together. But one thing is for sure, the baggage you speak of and the gay connotations of close male friendships have, they are very much prevalent amongst the younger fellas, the 18 to 24 year olds. So I dunno.

[reboot]

Women friends are probably not the best audience for troubles with women as more than a one/two time topic, just as men friends are not the best audience for problems with men more than one/two times.

My guess is the feeling that you need to be the interpreter/translator for your group. It gets old fast.

[Guest]

Women friends are probably not the best audience for troubles with women as more than a one/two time topic, just as men friends are not the best audience for problems with men more than one/two times.

My guess is the feeling that you need to be the interpreter/translator for your group. It gets old fast.

Which is what I thought and considered which is why I just don't talk about it to anyone. Except on the internet.

[StrangePanda]

Oh Mikey, I'm sorry you feel lonely and sad. *hugs*
I understand you on when you want to talk to friends about your feelings but feel like you'll be annoying them. I also often stop myself from having conversations about my sad feels because I don't want to be That Sad Girl Who Complains Too Much. My friends already know that I'm not an optimistic person so I don't want to overdo and end up losing friends because who wants to hang out with a constantly sad person? I hear all the time that if I want to have friends I have to have that positive vibe and an optimistic state of mind that attracts people. So I'm afraid my complaining about dating and such will be too annoying and repulsive.

Aaaand sometimes when I do speak to my girl or guy friends they don't really know what to say... Maybe my situation is unusual to them but all I get is an awkward short silence and "it will get better, you'll see" and the subject is changed. Maybe because no one in my cercle is having problems in dating as I do. No, they're not super successful but everyone already had at least one relationship and goes occasionnally on dates/has a boyfriend-girlfriend. I'm the only one I know who is in twenties and has zero experience.

So just to tell you I understand what you're saying and I wish I had an advice or something cheerful to say to you because this thing sucks and loneliness sucks too.

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