Re: Return of the Rants

[Enail]

Oh my god, Werel, what a pile-up or really awful and worrying things! And waiting for tests is so scary. Wishing your dog peaceful and happy last days with lots of time with you and your partner, as easy as possible a new place-finding and move, and especially especially everything to turn out well with your tests and also feeling better. I'm sorry you've been paying health costs for standing up for what's right, and that you're having such a shitty time in general.  All the good vibes to you.

And let me know if there's anything I can do, I'd be happy to look through housing listings in your area or whatever if there's anything a long-distance internet person can do.

[bomaye]

I’m just scared and sad and I’ll take any good vibes y’all got.

Fuuuuuck, I'm sorry you're getting hit by everything at once. Hope everything sorts itself out in the best way possible

[Werel]

Thanks, friends. <3

My dog is doing a little better - he may have some good time left, maybe a couple months - and I've offered my landlord more for the house in desperation. Hoping her ghoulish cold boomer heart responds to MONEY.

Also, stay safe in the smoke haze, Enail and other east coast folks. If you need schematics for making cheap air purifiers out of box fans and MERV filters, I gotchu!

[Enail]

Glad to hear your dog's improved a bit! I hope you guys can get a lot of happy time together still. And so much good luck on the house!

The haze isn't too bad where I am, we're over a thousand km away from where the fires are (Ontario goes up a long way!); it's noticeable when you're out but not horrifyingly bad yet. And I've actually got an air purifier already (though I should probably change the filter some day ), so I'm good for now, but if things get bad and I need more protection I'll call on your knowledge, thanks!

[Enail]

Ugh, the worst thing about having a not-well-understood chronic illness is that doctors can just shrug off any health problems as "I dunno, could be related to Chronic Thing, I guess?" and never think about them again.

[Enail]

Fuck! I just spilled an entire box of tea leaves of my fanciest tea on the floor!

[bomaye]

Fuck! I just spilled an entire box of tea leaves of my fanciest tea on the floor!

Fffuuuuuuu

[Enail]

I was able to salvage some of them, it landed in a neat pile so I could skim the leaves that were on top without having floor-tea. But still

[The Mikey]

Got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, so that’s cool.

EDIT: back in late June that is…

[Datelessman]

This goes beyond a rant and more like a howl of despair, but just as my elderly, handicapped mother turned 65, she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer (the same cancer that legendary comic book artist George Perez admitted to having). Unlike Perez, who had it an an incurable Stage 3, my mother apparently has an earlier stage where surgery is an option. She just had the Whipple Procedure, which is a major thing which is actually 15% fatal, and where the odds of living 5 years afterward are only about 30-35%. She's survived the surgery but has been in the ICU for almost a week, and it is a lot to deal with. On top of that, of course, American health care is a nightmare where the hospital wants to both rush her recovery and try to push more stuff on her to charge her insurance more.

I am doing my best to focus on my job while also tending to her, as I always have (and as I did for her and my dying grandmother prior to 2010). However, the recovery will be long and there is no telling what her quality of life will be afterward. She has already seemed to deteriorate every year, and barely left the apartment we share beyond short term, local errands now and then, or to visit a doctor. My mother first became officially handicapped in 1999 but naturally it began a few years before that (she had to wait 2 years for social security to accept her disability claim, and that was during the Clinton administration). So from high school thru college to my 20's and 30's I have already had that as the background radiation of my life, which I had to consider any time I wanted to do something major for myself and perhaps adding an element to why I was so hesitant with dating. High school girls think it's lame to have to check with your Ma for everything, and college women were not much better. I think there has been more general understanding of family woes in the years since I graduated, but that doesn't help me any.

Tending to Mom after work and on weekends every day is already eating up what little free time I had. Even when I am not tending to her or at my day job, I have found it harder to focus on hobbies. I haven't written a comic review article online in almost 2 weeks, and the loose plans I had to start up a tabletop RPG again with local pals is essentially dead. And that doesn't even touch on trying to date again, a feat I put off every year for far too long. Some people told me I'd never get time back; others said that women would be "waiting for me" whenever I was ready. Both can't be true at once. I can't imagine trying to date during all this; I am too drained and I doubt having to preface any plans with a, "as a disclaimer, I may have to bail in case my mother flatlines or I get a call from the hospital" will make me any more appealing. And I do not know how old I will be after this is said and done, as "after" implies that mother may not be around anymore.

So as I struggle to take care of my mother in a way which is more extreme than ever before, I do find myself regretting having taken things so personally when I was younger or not been more receptive to my pals' attempts to get me to go bar hopping with them more, even though I found (and still find) bars and clubs to be an overload to my senses where I am not comfortable or anywhere close to my genuine self. I spent a lot of years hiding my genuine self over a projection of what I though an ideal "tough guy" should be, but that never worked out. And now it may really be too late, as the rest of my life for the near future is helping mom deal with cancer, until she either beats it or dies. There isn't much middle-ground. And that is amid a slow moving eviction trial, to boot.

I turn 40 next year and in so many ways, I feel the best years of my life are over and I never really lived them. And now it is too late. After all, dating over 40 is not fun, or sexy, or adventurous, or appealing for anyone who is not really rich or professionally attractive. It's the time of settling out of fear of dying alone. Which, seeing how many old people are alone in the ICU hospital ward, I can understand. Heck, thanks to Covid-19, I can't even head to Vegas and just pay to end my lifelong shame and lose my virginity the same way many a circus freak has, because I am almost certain to bring the virus back, and even though mom and I are fully vaccinated, there are no assurances in her state. Who knows what will resolve itself first; the pandemic or my mother's cancer?

So, yes, this has certainly devolved into a rant. I just feel exhausted and know that this isn't even the end of the beginning atop yet another chapter in my lifelong effort to be the good son (or grandson) who is never good enough. Bummer of a way to end 2021, but also, not a surprising way, either.

[Enail]

Oh, no, Datelessman, I'm so sorry, that sounds amazingly hard and stressful. I hope everything goes as well as possible with your mom's recovery and that she does regain her quality of life, and that you can relax and put more energy into things you want to do soon.

I know envisioning intense caretaking and the suffering of someone you love is extremely discouraging and despair-making, and doesn't leave a lot of room to see a future you want or to put time into your own goals, but this doesn't mean you're too late to ever date. People do still have fun or sexy or adventurous romantic lives after 40, that is 100% a thing that exists. And you're going to find a lot more understanding of your responsibilities to your mother, since you're getting to the life stage where that's an increasingly common issue for people, and a lot of people will need that understanding themselves, too.

It seems like you've had such a long and exhausting run of difficult circumstances, and it's taken a toll on what you've been able to do for yourself; don't beat yourself up for that. You've handled all this hardship in an admirable way and done everything you can to look after your family, and there are people who will recognize that as a good thing, even if your situation means you can't seek them out right now. This is incredibly hard, but it doesn't mean your life, or your chance of a dating life, is over.  Look after yourself, all my good wishes to you and your mom.

[Datelessman]

Thanks, Enail, for your kind words of encouragement and support.

[Hielario]

Such a good, dutiful son. It hurts my soul to see how that sort of qualities don't matter an iota for partnering around us.

I have a question, though. Please forgive my ignorance.

Heck, thanks to Covid-19, I can't even head to Vegas and just pay to end my lifelong shame and lose my virginity the same way many a circus freak has, because I am almost certain to bring the virus back, and even though mom and I are fully vaccinated, there are no assurances in her state. Who knows what will resolve itself first; the pandemic or my mother's cancer?

I understand that the state of Nevada has both legal prostitution and a lot of tourism infrastructure, which makes it a very practical place for that sort of thing. But why would you need to go there, if you're from New York? I thought the "Big Apple" was chock full of prostitutes of all kinds and conditions, plus all other sorts of sex-related businesses.

Is it one of those things where I shouldn't believe american movies?

[Datelessman]

As a rant update, my mother is out of the ICU and the hospital and is recovering at a rehab center/nursing home closer to our apartment. Honestly we both think it is a little soon for her but the hospital was insistent. We have no idea what the recovery path is or what her quality of life will be, and it is still exhausting even if the commute is better now.

Such a good, dutiful son. It hurts my soul to see how that sort of qualities don't matter an iota for partnering around us.

I wouldn't go that far. I haven't earnestly tried in a very long time. Thanks for the encouragement, though.

I have a question, though. Please forgive my ignorance.

I understand that the state of Nevada has both legal prostitution and a lot of tourism infrastructure, which makes it a very practical place for that sort of thing. But why would you need to go there, if you're from New York? I thought the "Big Apple" was chock full of prostitutes of all kinds and conditions, plus all other sorts of sex-related businesses.

Is it one of those things where I shouldn't believe american movies?

There are plenty of prostitutes, "massage parlors" and gray area "escort services" in New York, even if they're less visible on a street level than in the 90's. You usually won't find obvious "catwalkers" at Time's Square or even major streets in the Village anymore. It, like bookstores, is an industry that has mostly gone online with the 21st century.

It is the practical, as well as legal aspects of Las Vegas, Nevada (and really just 2-3 counties there) that appeal to me if I were to use that option. The risk to me as a "john" even in NY of getting arrested or facing hard time is almost zero, and not every sex worker in NY is enslaved to a pimp anymore. That said, Vegas offers an opportunity where even those low risks can go to just about zero, and offer better odds for health in terms of STD's. It's bad business for any sex worker to have them, but because it is legal in Vegas, sex workers there often have top quality health care. Seeing sex workers can also become addicting unto itself (while, ironically, doing little to aid in actually gaining a relationship) and attaching the experience to a long trip and time off from work will help me avoid that more than just taking a subway a few stops. Another option is the mental/spiritual appeal of going somewhere else -- especially a place were "whatever happens here stays here" -- to do something which I never expected to do and still carries some bit of taboo in my own mind. It would be a heavy thing and it would be easier to do it and have a little vacation around it versus just going to a dingy local hotel and then hitting a subway after to go home and eat canned food in front of the TV like it was a semi-normal day off. Plus, I did research a particular brothel there that specifically offers a "devirginator service" (my term) so a part of me envisions taking a plane to this ritzy place where people like me are considered welcome by women. Yes, it is artificial and part of business advertising but I can dream.

But with Covid-19 a factor as well as having to worry about my mother and a slow moving eviction proceeding, that's even further on the backburner. And a part of me still is in denial that I really have to utilize such a service to "kiss the sky" at least once. So the TL:DR version is yes I could see a sex worker in NY but for practical, legal, and (especially) personal reasons if I went that route I'd still choose Vegas. But now we may be off topic.

[inbloomer]

Very sorry to hear all that Datelessman, though there isn't much I can add to what Enail has already said. It feels you actually have made a lot of progress in the last few years, in very challenging circumstances, even if it's hard to see that from where you're standing.

[Datelessman]

Thanks for the kind words. I am just trying to take things one day at a time.

[Enail]

Damn, my immuno-compromised sister's got Covid. It was pretty inevitable given her kids are in school and the safety measures in schools are basically zero, and that they live in a very small place with no room to isolate, but I was still really hoping she'd squeak by without. She's boosted, so it's probably fine, but I'd rather not have to test that.

[Datelessman]

Damn, my immuno-compromised sister's got Covid. It was pretty inevitable given her kids are in school and the safety measures in schools are basically zero, and that they live in a very small place with no room to isolate, but I was still really hoping she'd squeak by without. She's boosted, so it's probably fine, but I'd rather not have to test that.

I am so sorry to hear that. Nearly the last 2 years straight have been dominated by Covid-19 and the danger it can pose to people we all hold dear. I hope your sister stays fine and recovers swiftly, and completely.

Considering my mother hits all those checkmarks for "high risk Covid patient" (elderly, immuno-compromised, heart issues), I've certainly worried a lot about her or contracting the virus and giving it to her since March 2020. I do 99% of the shopping and errands for her; I had no choice but to go out even during lockdowns. The concern reared its ugly head recently. The rehab center she was in entered a Covid lockdown on 12/30/21 (ironically, 2 days after I got my booster) and I actually had been unable to see her for 3.5 weeks until she finally came home over the weekend. Then on 1/6/22, mom tested positive for Covid-19, which she contracted at the center (which delayed her getting home by 10 days, obviously). Luckily she was vaccinated and supposedly showed no symptoms, and had enough negative tests that she could come home. But, yeah, I literally had a couple of nightmares about her dying alone of Covid suddenly and me having to learn about it over the phone (which was how I learned that grandma died about 12 years sooner, down to the month).

So, yeah, I know despite all the "facts" about being vaccinated and boosted starving off the worst of the virus, for someone you love it can feel like time stops until they are confirmed as pulling through. Good luck and prayers to your sister and you.

[Enail]

Oh man, that sounds terrifying, I''m so glad she was asymptomatic and all okay. I'm reasonably confident my sister will be okay, she has shown a good response to the vaccine, but yeah, like you say, it's still scary. Thanks, Datelessman!

[Datelessman]

Oh man, that sounds terrifying, I''m so glad she was asymptomatic and all okay. I'm reasonably confident my sister will be okay, she has shown a good response to the vaccine, but yeah, like you say, it's still scary. Thanks, Datelessman!

You're welcome. I hope your sister will be okay too.

[Enail]

She's recovered after a very mild case, so that all went about as well as humanly possible. She was literally somewhere between 5 and 7 days out from her booster, depending on when she actually caught it, so thank you random person on twitter that helped her find an earlier appointment and snow storm that delayed school reopening and thus infection two extra days!

[Datelessman]

She's recovered after a very mild case, so that all went about as well as humanly possible. She was literally somewhere between 5 and 7 days out from her booster, depending on when she actually caught it, so thank you random person on twitter that helped her find an earlier appointment and snow storm that delayed school reopening and thus infection two extra days!

Great to hear! And yay for boosters and random kindness from Internet strangers.

[Glides]

i don't want to be this person, but i don't know how to believe the pandemic will ever end. you can be reinfected with omicron a month after a previous infection. i don't know how to stop despairing. i just don't talk to people outside work because i don't feel like there's any point. or maybe the pandemic is over for everyone other than me. i think this constant solitude is going to be the rest of my life.

[litterature]

I don't know how to deal with TERF rethoric gaining ground day after day. I live in a place that's progressive as far as Europe goes, but I have this increasing fear that when inevitably a right wing government rises up our rights will be taken away, and that by that time TERFs will have made enough progress that recovering them won't be a priority for the left. I don't know how to cope, besides my attempts at helping build a strong trans-friendly anarchafeminist organisation (which for now is literally three people, one with no time and two going through serious medical stuff.) Do you have any advice?

[Datelessman]

I don't have any advice, but the big news leak that the hard right wing leaning SCOTUS is only 1-2 months away from officially striking down Roe v. Wade (right to abortion), and likely gunning for Griswold v. Connecticut (right to contraception) and Obergefell v. Hodges (right to marry for same-sex couples) next has made me irritated all day.

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